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As The Donald becomes more popular in the polls and the thought of him occupying the Oval Office comes closer to being a reality, the people of Calgary want Americans to know that we're here for you. We may be a bit blander, tamer, and slightly vanilla but Calgary can be your sea of tranquility.
Your money will go farther here. Our coffee will delight your senses. If you're ever home sick, you can still grab a Big Gulp at 7-11 and fill it with your favourite sugary drink.
But there are even more reasons to consider moving to Calgary if the shock-jock of election talk makes it to the steps of Capital Hill:
- The only walls you'll find in Calgary are around Fort Calgary, Heritage Park and those in your own home. Our walls are meant to be admired or to hold up the roof. End of story.
- Religious traditions are publicly celebrated in Calgary. There is a Menorah lighting at City Hall every Hanukah. There's a live Nativity pageant every Christmas at Heritage Park. And Muslims roam the streets of Calgary completely free and unhindered, starting in the Mayor's office.
- We have towers, too. They have pleasant names like The Bow, the Calgary Tower and Banker's Hall. Friendly names that suggest fish and cowboys and our Canadian dollar (if you think your American dollar is pretty good now wait 'til you visit the currency exchange office).
- If you are rooting for Ted Cruz, Calgary is where he was born and spent the first four years of his life. He lived in St. Andrew's Heights near the University of Calgary and McMahon Stadium. We'll offer free drive-by tours of his childhood home.
- Calgary's population is just 1.2 million people. Our city is spread out with wide open spaces and sprawling suburbs. In square miles, Calgary occupies the same space as the five boroughs of New York with a population the size of the cast of Grease Live.
- If Donald Trump becomes president, he'll be moving mountains to push his agenda through. We don't move mountains – we admire then, we drive to them for lunch or we spend the weekend there skiing.
- You'll be following the path of other disgruntled Americans who fled the U.S. seeking refuge. Americans like the British Loyalists in the late 1700s. Draft dodgers in the 1960s. Joey Mullen.
- Lots of Americans are fans of Rush Limbaugh. You can catch him here – we have cable tv. We have internet and satellite radio. But we have bags of wind of our own – they're called Chinooks. We have Fox News here in Calgary, too, so you can enjoy Megyan Kelly any time you like.
- Mr. Trump plans on revoking Obama Care. We're not exactly sure why Americas are so opposed to this plan of free health care for all. When you move to Calgary, we know that you will enjoy our "free" Alberta Health Care. The only additional insurance you need to buy here in Calgary is for hail or perhaps the odd flood.
- There's a carnival atmosphere around The Donald but in Calgary, we have a real honest-to-goodness carnival. It's part of the Calgary Exhibition and Stampede, the greatest outdoor show on earth. It's a 10-day celebration which includes a rodeo, the world-renowned chuck wagon races, the mid-way and the whole city gets involved. And the only b*llsh#t in this carnival is on the floor of the cattle barns!